BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.