My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
You Might Also Like
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Worth the read.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.