My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Ugh
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭