my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
You Might Also Like
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home