HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The three genders
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives