*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
car not found
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*