Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression