I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.