Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you