Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen