I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth