My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.