Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
What the dentist sees
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
what’s the point then??
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️