Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.