“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
#winning
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!