[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier