Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
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My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Ovenable?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Breaking news:
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
your elf on the shelf was delicious
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.