*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.