Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
gm
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.