• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
A family that plays together cheats.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
❤️❤️❤️
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately