No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*struts into the new year
~ trips
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.