Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Chicago sounds lovely.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body