If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏