I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters