“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Skills
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!