I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt