Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Fluff me with a fork baby
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ouch
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.