can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
only 11 steps left
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.