FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.