Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
This makes total sense…
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate