TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.