hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
You Might Also Like
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Ugh but profoundly
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.