BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…