I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself