You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
A choir of Spring onions
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Schrödinger’s cookie
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
who will stop them