Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.