Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!