Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Go hard or stay average
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.