i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
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My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Bloody internet 😳
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?