The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.