I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”