Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Xylophonist Shredding It
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.