I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth