My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.