brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.