Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
🤣🤣🤣
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming