Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.