airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
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i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”