Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
seems like a niche market
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?