Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Fidel Castro was alive?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sunday
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*